Injury Mayhem Before Lyon Clash!…

In the middle of the most un-thrilling Manchester derby since the invention of flat soda, the Red Devils are preparing to face Lyon with a lineup more mysterious than a magician’s hat. Coach Ruben Amorim is crossing fingers, toes, and possibly even taco shells, in hopes that left-back Luke Shaw will burst back onto the scene like a caffeinated kangaroo, having only three cameo appearances this entire season. Meanwhile, the rest of United’s walking hospital could make a miraculous return—or remain just figments in their wishful dreams.

We’ve got Heaven who, despite his divine name, found himself tangling with Leicester City’s Patson Daka, ending up more twisted than a plate of spaghetti. He was carried off on a stretcher, only to later leave the stadium sporting what we can only describe as a very fashionable boot. Then there’s De Ligt—his ankle injury last seen plotting with a mystery team of forest elves doesn’t exactly bode well for his swift return to the pitch. Love from the sidelines, buddy!

Meanwhile, in long-term land, Martinez’s knee is on extended vacation after an ACL rupture, predicted back in August at the earliest—a time when pumpkin spice and dropping leaves will reign. Once preparing to roar alongside their fellow football lions, Evans, Mainoo, and Amad are simmering on the sidelines with a stew of different injuries. Reports suggest Mainoo might be ready to jolt back into action as soon as he finishes hibernating. Amad, optimistic yet cryptic as a fortune cookie, has May as his potential comeback mission. Man United’s injury list might as well have its own postcode!