Shearer’s Toon Turn of Heart…
In a whirlwind final day kerfuffle fit for a comic strip, our pal Alan Shearer has rolled out the red carpet from the Toon Army to Manchester United, thanking them for turning Newcastle’s Champions League dreams from pie-in-the-sky to pie-at-the-deli. Picture this: Newcastle, teetering on the brink like a cat on a hot tin roof, almost dropped their precious Caviar & Cup ambitions against David Moyes’ Everton. Cue Manchester United swooping in with a surprise 2-0 victory over Aston Villa, serving Newcastle a European lifeline like a knight on a shining tractor!
Having previously unleashed more criticism on Man United than a dad finding the thermostat too high, Shearer has, hilariously, promised to zip his lips for good! Through fits of laughter with co-host Gary Lineker on The Rest Is Football podcast, Sir Alan of Shearerville declared: “No more bad-mouthing the Red Devils for me!” What’s that? The decision to smite a Morgan Rogers goal due to a whimsical referee’s whistle? Oh, just a sprinkle of Toon magic, we say!
Meanwhile, Manchester United, doing their best impression of a pinball in a washing machine, zipped off to Malaysia as if being jetted away by a football circus. Having endured their dreariest season yet, they’re off to perform some on-pitch gymnastics. Lineker cheekily hoped they packed enough boxed lunches, as Shearer and buddy Micah Richards cracked up like eggs in a comedy omelet. On a serious note, Richards added, “Can the budget transform into more goal-scoring maestros? Surely it can’t get worse!” And with that, United finished 15th, as if auditioning for a role as the EPL’s court jesters.
