Diogo Dalot’s Comic Endorsement…
In a maneuver more intricately choreographed than a synchronized swimming panda parade, Diogo Dalot leaps to defend Ruben Amorim’s masterstroke of handling Manchester United’s infamous ‘bomb squad’. These big-league rebels—Marcus “The Lion Tamer” Rashford, Alejandro “Sneaky Feet” Garnacho, Jadon “Mystery Man” Sancho, Antony “Dazzle Feet” and Tyrell “The Tornado” Malacia—were exiled to practice on their own, reportedly on a pitch swarming with actual bombs that just might be shaped like footballs. Rashford decided Spanish tapas trumped this chaos, zooming off to Barcelona for a year-long siesta.
Meanwhile, back in the land where the words ‘pre-season’ mean deeply important things, Dalot, with all the magnificence of a football poet, passionately explains how only the deserving get to wear the sacred red. Wilier than a fox in a henhouse, Amorim clarified faster than a cheetah at a bake sale that only those of the highest footsteps belong in his United realm. Apparently, there are mystical codes to crack before even thinking of playing ball with these legends.
And lo! In the trivial pre-season skirmish against Bournemouth in Chicago (yes, Chicago—a place known for its sausages and surprise football matches), Patrick Dorgu, a surprise package from Lecce, was named the king of the match after more assists and goals than a hyperactive octopus on roller skates. Bruno “The Dynasty” Fernandes had dance offers from Saudi partners but stayed true to his home spirit. Dalot giggled, half-convinced that any minute now Manchester United will be declared The G.O.A.T. by the cosmic football council. “We are not immortal,” he somberly yet dramatically concluded, “But we are, indeed, quite wild.”
