United’s Walking-Wounded Face Hammer Squad…
Oh, the sweet dribble of chaos greets the Red Devils! It seems manager Ruben Amorim is playing the world’s most dangerous game of musical chairs, with a squad resembling a footballers’ retirement home before their game against the Hammers. After delightfully smashing Athletic Club like a piñata gone wild, United now march towards an uphill battle—we’re talking Everesting here! With points more precious than a vintage Panini sticker, West Ham arrives at Old Trafford like a team of sledgehammers at a porcelain convention.
United’s infirmary resembles a season finale of a medical drama. Casemiro and Bruno Fernandes are sitting this one out, nursing non-existent feelings of injury, which we’re sure is a thing. Rasmus Hojlund and Matthijs de Ligt are about as ready to play as a salad is to sing opera. Meanwhile, the promising stars Toby Collyer and Ayden Heaven find themselves grounded by the forces of injury. Hope shimmers dimly as doctor-in-chief Amorim optimistically points Diogo Dalot and Joshua Zirkzee towards a miraculous appearance—a belief possibly conjured from the same imagination buying a winning lottery ticket.
On the slightly sunnier side, our dear Harry Maguire is valiantly limping through a problematic injury. Amorim throws shoulder-pats of encouragement, proclaiming, “Better to play than vanish,” like a football Yoda. Across the pitch, West Ham’s Graham Potter twirls his magic wand, conjuring Edson Alvarez out of injury hiatus like a conjurer pulling a rabbit—wearing a full kit—from a hat. With Crysencio Summerville hamstrung and Michail Antonio recovering from an unfortunate vehicle tango, the Hammers roll in, slightly dented but ready to swing!
