Red Devils’ Battered and Bruised Lineup!…

Well, folks, it’s the grand finale of the sunken ship that is Manchester United’s 2024/25 saga! As the Red Devils stand at the precipice, clutching wildly onto that sacred 17th spot like a cat hugging a slippery windowsill, Aston Villa comes roaring in, eyes twinkling with Champions League dreams. Meanwhile, the recently appointed sorcerer of doom, Ruben Amorim, stares into the chaos with a crystal ball, hoping the next season will finally roll its eyes and grant him a break. But hold your horses—or should we say, hold your flying footballs—let’s chat injuries before the Villa rockets into Old Trafford!

First up is the French dazzler, Footsie McGee! Careful, folks, don’t say his name thrice, or his not-so-magical left foot might just cast a spell of absence again. After West Ham’s devious ambush, Footsie cleverly made a cameo against Tottenham in the Europa shin-dig. But a gentle Amorim, channeling a concerned wizard, is sparing this prodigal son from the Villa battle—foot charms and all, looking to preserve his energy for a brighter tomorrow. The exact date for Footsie’s spectacular reappearance remains shrouded in as much mystery as the center of a football pie.

Meanwhile, the knee caper, De Ligt, is spectating from the sidelines like an intrigued detective. A knee injury, more infamous than a parked bus in a penalty box, has kept him away like candy from an unveiling piñata. He’s gone rogue, training solo like a fitness ninja, while his teammates channel their inner gladiators. Oh, and MartĂ­nez, the tragic hero with the ACL Achilles’ heel, has embarked on his own epic Odyssey. After tangling with Crystal Palace, he’s been out on a legendary quest with his dear friend, Surgery Success. When will these noble warriors return, you ask? The crystal ball hints at August, but we’ll keep our ketchup-loving fingers crossed. Until then, Villa gets the stage at Muddled Trafford!