Manchester United’s Wacky Injury Update…
Holy hot potatoes, Batman! The Red Devils of Manchester are wading through a swamp of medical misadventures in the lead-up to the legendary clash with the Citizens. After a surprising banana-peel slip against the cunning Forest, where ex-Red Devil Anthony Elanga became a one-man band, serenading them to defeat, United now turn their tractor beams on Pep Guardiola’s goal-hungry Sky Blues. Our merry ball-kickers have got more injuries than ants in an ant farm, and let’s hope someone handed out lucky four-leaf clovers at Old Trafford to spare them on derby day.
First on our casualty carousel is the mysteriously monikered Heaven, who experienced a rather earthly exit at Leicester after a tango with Patson Daka. While the heavens didn’t open up, his prognosis wasn’t as doomsday as initially feared — or so says coach Amorim, sounding like a sage with his mystical predictions of a return this season. Meanwhile, the towering De Ligt had himself a little misstep during the Forest folly but promises he’ll flex those calves of steel against City, limping like a warrior with a pebble in his boot.
Let’s not forget our long-lost compatriots in muscle madness and ligament limbo! Martinez, with an ACL more temperamental than a soap opera star, is sipping piña coladas somewhere till the autumn leaves fall. Shaw’s muscles seem moody, reappearing and vanishing like UFO sightings, while rumors float about Mainoo’s mystical return sometime in April. Meanwhile, Amad’s ankle ankle is a joker with a wildcard back-pocketed for May. Perhaps the silver lining is we haven’t yet reached the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ level of concern. Keep your football boots crossed, United fans!
